Entry 31: Redemption... knowing...

i know...
there have been very little pictures in this blog...
mainly because i have not been taking photo lately...
have not use my camera for so long...
even my handphone cam...
and ever since my upgrade...
i have not tried the video function at all...
and i was so dying to try it before i got the phone...
damn...

and yes...
drawings and doodlings are missing too...
even though Windows 7 recognised my write pad without any issues...
much unlike the Vista...
and there are ideas scribbled and sketched on my notepad...
and in my post-it app...
i will try to find time for them...
i really want to see them created...

i want to draw again...

but time...

yes time...

lately i have been hit by a fatigue bug...
whenever i come home...
i feel drained...
partly i am beginning to think that this has much to do with the fact that i stare at a monitor almost all day...
monitor at work...
monitor at home...
always in front of a computer...

which actually is not much different from my school days really...

i have tried sleeping earlier but realised it does not work...
like my friends commented...
it is not the sleeping part...
it is the waking part...
which incidentally i mentioned in my twitter...
if any...
any of u actually saw that...

there in the top right corner...
twitter...
u know what the is right?...

haha...
which i really agree...
over the years...
i have wasted my body not to wake up early like a decent hardworking human being...
and that much conditioning cannot be undone by just days of trying to sleep earlier...
it takes time...

time again...

i am really liking my job...
i feel i am learning...
and i learn alot of new words each day...
how to use words...
phrasing of words...
almost close to writing...
i enjoy that part...

but i do not enjoy the irritating part...
morons...
entertaining but still very frustrating...
but what can i do...
i just need to do my job...
maybe time will change things...

time...

surprisingly even though i feel drained...
my body and brain have adapted to function in this tired state...
i maybe slow in perceptionalising and linking different visual and sound inputs...
but i am not impaired at all...
like i can still write this blog entry with my mind feeling like it is half switched off...
almost an out of body experience...

or maybe i am not tired...
i really lost half my intelligence...
i got retarded...
having struggled at the bottom of academic achievements...
i finally rise to become the smarter lot of retards...

i am pretty amazed how i am able to continue with things even though they seem tedious...
i remember the early KopiYak days...
articles after articles...
a mere two weeks and i really feel like giving up...
no such problem with...
er...
the only blog...

AG...

is still doing good...
i have not ceased or taken a long break...
ok weekends i slack off abit...
but news are slow during that period either way...
i guess much of this is about a renew passion...
and knowing that even though i very much doubted it...
i write much faster and better than i assume i do...

maybe life is really like Sims 3 after all...
or i really got retarded and miss out on the negative of things...

u know...
sometimes in life...
there is really no redemption in things u have done...

u screwed up...
and tried desperately to unfuck urself...
but it is already too late...
redemption is a selfish thought...

u want to bring things back to where they were...
amend the wrongs...
because u want to unscrew things up...
u don't want to face having screwed up...
it is for urself...
u are not doing it for others...
u just cannot face the fact that u have screwed up...

perhaps...
ur redemption in this situation is not to try to redeem urself...
ur redemption is to let others live their peace...
face the consequences of ur screwing up...
not running away from it...
trying to revert things so that u can think it did not happened...

u are supposed to embrace it all...
let the wound bleed...
and the scar engraved forever...

u shit on urself...
now live with the smell...

there is no such thing as a full redemption...
forgive and forget...

sometimes...
knowing is better than not knowing...
but u just have to know...
even though u know knowing is painful...

just can't let ur curiosity run wild in ur head...

so even though i have experience this before...
and i know how demoralising it can be...
i can't help myself...
i monitor traffic flow for KopiYak...
and er....
the other blog...
and er...
something else...

and the roller-coaster ride began...
i don't really care about KopiYak itself since i do not expect many to read it...
but the other two things...
hm...
they have their good days and bad days...
and sometimes i wonder if i should change my style...
do something extra...
to get by those bad days...

but won't that be like straying?....
especially for that...
all the ideas i had...
the story i wanted to tell...
do i stray from it just to create some excitement...
or do i follow my own path and hope people would accept it...

choices...
time...

implementation...