8th April...
that is like more than 3 months ago...
how time flies...
yet while u are in it...
everything moves along so slowly...
the week passes by like a drag...
day feels like a grind...
u feel drained...
or...
i feel drained...
is this tiredness of a fulfilling life?...
i hardly think so...
its a long period of bumping along the waves...
follow through the current with no clear sense of directions...
finding amusements in those floating pieces of waste that are drifting with the currents...
yet amidst all the jokes u crack on them...
all the laughters...
u wake up one day and realise they are mere waste...
dump them back into the waters...
they them continue their drift to become someone else moment of joy...
and before u know it...
u are in the large open water...
no shores in the horizon...
no one within ur gaze...
u are all alone...
left behind...
the water is peaceful...
no more strong waves that can carry ur body mass...
u lie there floating...
the ocean king will not let u sink...
there is no more flow to follow...
what now...
what now?...
sometimes as u live each day...
each week...
everything seems so long...
yet after awhile u look back...
it has already been months...
and u get the strange feeling where u feel time flies yet not as fast as u think it did...
when i log in to blogger...
i was expecting to find my last post to be some time in january...
or february...
a long time away...
yet it only had been 3 months...
though it has been 3 months at the blink of an eye...
read a interesting comment by manga artist...
with the new wave of 3D stuff hitting the market...
what happened to the so called 3D that was so blatantly marketed during my youth...
new 3D game...
3D cartoon...
featuring characters that do not protrude out of the screen...
but a mere improvement of the old 2D format...
so what was that?...
2.5D?...
have we all been scammed?...
interesting thought...
for the first time...
i am letting the uncertainty of my future worries me...
maybe because i am getting too old...
slowly...
dreams are becoming unfulfilled aspirations...
yet what can i do?...
what should i do?...
career change?...
yes that is one certainty...
at least a new job is definitive...
but what job?...
and questions pops up like bubbles from the bubble soap mixture in fragile plastic containers...
all i know is i need a change...
maybe like my friend mentioned...
i am letting personal bitterness govern my thoughts and actions...
that i choose to see but not act...
because i want everything to fall...
i do not seek redemption...
i do not seek improvement...
i seek devastation...
just to prove my point...
now i understand how villians must have felt...
its not about what u can take from these actions...
but what u can achieve from the lack of them...
once again...
i am trying to find stability in my life...
reading...
now writing...
in future drawing...
something to keep me occupied...
and ya...
for those interested...
the 1.5TB hard-drive i so proudly exhibited last time...
is now filled almost to the brim...
yet more likely than ever...
i am going to reduce the amount of contents in it...
sometimes i feel a sense of pride in this completing things in my list...
at least i am actively...
may not be diligently active...
but nevertheless actively doing something...
which a small sense of pride would not be too much of an indulgence...
u think?...
to end off...
lately some of my dearest friends have suffered...
or are suffering from very bad things...
though i am ashamed that as i friend i cannot do much to help them...
i hope that those of u reading this can help me pray for them...
may they find the joy they deserve...
i would have wish i could do this for them myself...
but i no longer pray...
for...
i have already forsaken myself...
god have mercy on my soul...
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